The one about pockets.

I bought a dress the other day.  Hardly mind blowing, revolutionary stuff really, but bear with me.  I’ve started working again, and occasionally I want to do stuff like frocking up and looking like a human, rather than something that crawled out of suburbia, got dragged through a couple of hedges on the way and lost an argument with a couple of sassy 4 year olds that morning.  But enough about everyday life.

I bought a dress.  I’m very proud of this fact.  It was one of the first I’ve bought post babies, and I got excited about getting something new.  It’s something I own that I didn’t buy on a clearance rack because hey, it’s just going to be puked/boogered/stained on anyway.  I actually owned something NEW!  Without STAINS!  And I looked like a functioning member of society in it! Continue reading The one about pockets.

The one about how a week turns into a month turns into … well, you get the idea

A couple of months back I made a huge deal about how you should stay tuned, my blog was coming back … and how this year was going to be AWESOME because I was 40 and everything was under control.

And then… Life happened.

My girls started school, I started working, and all of a sudden life was lost under a massive cloak of ‘OH MY GOD I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR SLEEP LET ALONE A BLOG!’ … and so I kind of let things lapse.

Continue reading The one about how a week turns into a month turns into … well, you get the idea

The one about D-Day…

Today is the 25th of October.  Just another autumn day for most people.

4 years ago, at around 10am, this day took on another meaning for me.

I went to my regular checkup, and found that baby A had barely any fluid, whilst baby B was swimming in her fluid.  We had suspected, then confirmed later, TTTS.  This day was horrible – I had so many ultrasounds, talked to many doctors, including one that told us we should make funeral plans for our babies.  The next few days were spent in shock and tears, as we came to grips with what was happening.

Today is our D-Day.  Today it’s 4 years since we got the diagnosis that changed our lives, and makes us count our blessings.

I look back at everything we went through with uncertainty, and the ongoing fear of the worst, and I can’t believe that we came through with our sanity and sense of humour intact.

The constant travel to and from Leiden, the endless appointments, the sometimes brutal honesty of the situation really did take its toll on us.  Then the weeks in the NICU, followed by months of therapies, as well as getting used to having 2 babies in the house… I seriously don’t know how we did it.

I know I make light of the situation at times, but please don’t ever think I don’t take what happened to us seriously.  I wake up each day and am so grateful that I am in this country, that I had access to the best doctors and the researchers. I’m acutely aware of how lucky we are. Every day I see new cases and I see stories that are so similar to mine, and yet so many different and sometimes sad outcomes.

4 years has taught me patience.  It’s taught me that my writing is important.  It’s taught me that it’s important to share my story.

I’ve met some awesome people and met some amazing friends on this journey.  I hope I’ll meet some more.  I love using my voice and my writing to help people understand my journey.

So here’s to another 4 years of memories, and facing each October 25th and staring it in the eye 😉

This is what 4 years of memories looks like (well, this is half of a box. I have another box as well).

The one about celebrating 3 …

Dear  Monsters,

Today you are 3.  It’s not been an easy road to get you this far,  fate tried to take you from us early on.  You’re tough cookies though, and you fought and showed your courage from the start.

I can’t tell you life is going to be easier now you’re 3.  You’ve come so far in the past 3 years, but you still have a long way to  go with catching up to your peers. I know you’ll do it, but no matter what, I’m going to pick you up when you fall, and turn you in the right direction  when you’re lost.

3 is tough. You guys think you’re big girls now, and I still call you my babies.  You are my babies though, and you always will be.  I won’t forget holding your tiny hands inside the incubators, or  that first precious cuddle we had after you were born.  Even though you’re big girls now, I’ll still try to cuddle both of you at the same time like used to.  Just don’t wriggle too much.

The road ahead is unsure, monsters.  We don’t know what the future holds for you, for us, for anyone.  You can be sure that I’m going to be  with you on that road,  making sure that we clear any obstacles together.  We’re a good team, you monsters and me.   We fight together,  and we  charge through life  like bulldozers.  We’re a little crazy, but when you’ve been down our road, crazy helps us stay happy and healthy.

 So here’s to you, my crazy, happy, healthy little monsters.  3 years has flown by, I can’t wait to see you enter your 4th year in the same way you approach life – with enthusiasm, love and a touch of craziness. xx

Love,

Mama.