Dear Albert Heijn,
Hi. It’s me again. Remember me? I cheated on you a little while back with grocery deliveries. It’s been a bit of an open relationship for a while, and even last week when you broke something all over my groceries and had to deliver them the next day, I was ok with this. After all – a good relationship is about forgiveness and understanding, and open communication – and I can’t fault the service I got. (Except the mixup over payments, but hey, I’m happy to look the other way.)
Our relationship has been pretty good. You’ve watched my purchasing habits, you’ve been collecting data, and I have to say, your list of suggestions is pretty spot on when I go to do my groceries. You even cheekily send me specials on stuff you think I might like, and discounts on things I may like to purchase. And you know what? Most of the time you hit that nail on the head. 30% off oven fries with a frietjes obsessed pair of 4 year olds, the occasional cheeky wine discount – even buy one get one free on spaghetti (second favourite meal of resident crotch goblins.). You get it … most of the time.
And then yesterday, you sent through your specials to me. I opened them, and again, you pretty much nailed it. 20% off salads (in this hot weather? You betcha!). 25% off a whole chook! 15% off mandarines! This is awesome!
25% off sprouts in a jar. You want me to purchase canned sprouts. You want me to eat canned sprouts.
Let’s make something clear here. We may be in an open relationship over deliveries. You may be able to predict my most frequently purchased items. You can send me discounts – I don’t mind.
But let’s get one thing straight.
I will not purchase, and eat, what can only be described as a putrid wet cabbage farts in a jar. Nothing, not even 25% discount will persuade me to go ‘ooh yummy’ and run down and stock up on soggy little green balls of sewer flavoured fibre. I don’t care that it’s cheap. I HAVE TASTE.
So let’s think about the things I do like. I’d really like a free sample of gin. Or at least a discount on some. How about discounted chocolate? Some cheap cheese? I’d even take a discount on bread and milk – considering I’m pretty sure we keep you in business based on the amount of that we buy.
Just no more sprouts. Sprouts are depressing. They’re unimaginative. They have no personality. They’re high maintenance to prepare, and all they do is make you fart. Sprouts are disappointment in a jar.
Love, as always,
(PS. Can I trade the 25% discount on the sprouts to a bottle of gin please? )