The one about being behind the #humblebrag

So lately I kind of stopped myself from posting a couple of funny kid related anecdotes purely based on the fact that they could be considered being a “#humblebrag”.

Let’s face it.  A #humblebrag is not humble.  It’s fucking bragging.  You’re telling the world that you got your kids to eat kale chips and quinoa without tantrums, death threats and breakages.  You’re telling the world how superior you are,  because your kids ate fancy cabbage and grass seeds.  Bonus points if your kid pronounces quinoa correctly. (insert eyeroll here).  

There are sites dedicated to, essentially taking the piss out of these sorts of posts, and I follow some religiously because well, it’s funny.  #humblebrags can be hilarious. Somewhere in the world, there is someone who is taking themselves way too seriously.  And obviously, they’re proud of it!

I stopped and paused though when I went to write a hilarious facebook post about my kids wanting homemade cookies over store bought cookies though.  It’s common knowledge that I make a lot of stuff from scratch for my kids.  I know there’s people out there who probably roll their eyes when I post a picture about what I’ve just made, or a recipe based on wholemeal flour, or talk about my kids loving my homemade cookies.

But there’s a reason why I concentrate so hard on what my kids eat.  With all the preliminary weight issues we had with the girls, the effort was initially into ‘fattening them up’.  Then it turned into a parental guilt trip about the hangups we have on food, the amount of sugar we ate, and the fact that sometimes our food choices weren’t exactly healthy.  We became conscious about food.  And we changed our habits.

I’m the first to admit I went through the whole organic phase – but it’s a massive chunk out of your shopping list.  I then chose shopping smarter, buying seasonal. I use meal plans to help budget and also so we don’t waste food.  It’s a financial decision.  And this is where the making stuff from scratch comes into play.  I can make a pizza for less than buying fresh or frozen.  I have an obsession with kitchen gadgets, and the best part is they don’t just decorate my countertop. They are loved, used, and abused.

But my  biggest reason for making my own food at times is this – I have a kid who won’t poop.  I’ve been over her pooping habits (or lack thereof) many times.  So here’s my revelation.

YOU CAN HIDE THINGS IN HOMEMADE FOOD!

I’m not kidding.  My pizza crusts? Wholemeal flour, hidden vegetable tomato sauce. Muffins? Wholemeal flour and dried fruit and pears. And the best bit? The cookies?  Wholemeal flour, prunes, coconut and assorted dried fruits.

And the best bit.  She poops.  It’s a damned miracle.  I don’t have to deal with the bloated, constipated, cranky beast from hell.  I can safely take her out and not be afraid of the poonami.  And all because she damn well poops regularly.

So, sometimes, behind the #humblebrag there’s a reason.  Probably a tired, stressed mother who tries hard to make sure her kids get healthy food, or even a medical reason that they’re saying these things.  Sometimes it’s just exhaustion, or they want reassurance they’re doing a good job.  Of course, sometimes it’s just some asshole sanctimommy who wants everyone to know how fucking superior she is, and is out for competition.  I mean, seriously, you cannot tell me your toddler loves kale and quinoa when I can barely get mine to look at vegetables and I have to find creative ways to hide them.  And don’t start me on damned broccoli. No kid likes that shit. But not always.  Sometimes it’s just relief.

Oh, and the story?

It’s a tight week budget wise, and so I took a packet of really cheap store bought cookies out of the cupboard.  I offered 2 to Miss T, only to have her scream at me, slap them on the floor and stamp on them.  (Really, I don’t blame her. These things are seriously just processed cardboard.  Tasteless.)  After a heated screaming match about wasting food, (well, I was screaming, she was ignoring me and grinding the cookies further into the carpet), followed by tears and a tantrum (this time mine), I worked out when I say cookie to them, the expectation is one of the homemade ‘poo cookies’ I make.  Case was proven when next time I offered the cardboard as an experiment, and was shot down in flames by child, followed by offering a poo cookie. This had a very happy ‘dankjewel’ and was promptly inhaled.  So, yes, my kids love my homemade cookies over store bought, but really, the jokes on them.  I have the power to make them poop! And I’ll enjoy every minute of this until they work out they are good for them …. after that, I’m screwed.

Dedicated to Kira – may your kale and quinoa forever have a sparkler in it when you Pinterest the fuck out of it. 😉

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